I am going back to therapy today for the first time in months. I know when I get in there, I will babble on about nothing in particular, and not receive any satisfaction for the 45 minutes I spend there, at almost $1.00 per minute. I wish I could just write to the therapist instead of having to talk to her. I never remember all of the pertinent, insightful facts I want to share with her when I'm in that stuffy little room.
For instance, right now my depression is consuming me. It's like a living entity, following me around like a giant shadow. I feel like throwing up. Or crying. But there's laundry to be done, meals to made, shopping lists to compile...I just don't have time for wallowing in self pity. It's true that I haven't had to argue with Clara at all for the past two weeks since she's in Europe. But it sickens me that she hasn't attempted to contact us at ALL. She has sent messages to her friends via facebook (which I found out from my mother, of all places), but we've heard nothing since the first day when she told us that she arrived in France safely. C'est la vie, I guess.
My neck/arm continues to give me a great deal of pain and discomfort. There is nothing I can do about it, of course, so I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it. But it's aggravating. I still feel fat, my complexion is a disaster, I can't do anything with my hair because of the humidity...yes, I just have the all-around-hate-myself-blues.
The worst thing I am dealing with right now is that I went back to work, not because I wanted to, but because I HAD to. I think it was a mistake to think that I could fall back from "manager" to "water-ice scooper" and find anything rewarding. I am tired of people talking to me like I'm stupid. Although, the fact that I walked back in there probably proves that I AM stupid. I don't even know what my rate is (I have to look that up, really!), but any money we have coming in right now counts. Michael found part-time work with an electrician locally, so the hot dog cart is in a limbo status right now except for weekends. We're counting every penny, and praying that our health benefits are still in effect. I don't know how much longer we can count on that, though, and we can't afford the healthcare through COBRA.
I think I'm finished venting now. Dinner is in the crock pot, and I need to start attacking the laundry and making a grocery list. My therapy appointment is at 2:45. I should be good and Ativaned-out by then, and unable to verbalize anything important. Because that's how I roll.
For instance, right now my depression is consuming me. It's like a living entity, following me around like a giant shadow. I feel like throwing up. Or crying. But there's laundry to be done, meals to made, shopping lists to compile...I just don't have time for wallowing in self pity. It's true that I haven't had to argue with Clara at all for the past two weeks since she's in Europe. But it sickens me that she hasn't attempted to contact us at ALL. She has sent messages to her friends via facebook (which I found out from my mother, of all places), but we've heard nothing since the first day when she told us that she arrived in France safely. C'est la vie, I guess.
My neck/arm continues to give me a great deal of pain and discomfort. There is nothing I can do about it, of course, so I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it. But it's aggravating. I still feel fat, my complexion is a disaster, I can't do anything with my hair because of the humidity...yes, I just have the all-around-hate-myself-blues.
The worst thing I am dealing with right now is that I went back to work, not because I wanted to, but because I HAD to. I think it was a mistake to think that I could fall back from "manager" to "water-ice scooper" and find anything rewarding. I am tired of people talking to me like I'm stupid. Although, the fact that I walked back in there probably proves that I AM stupid. I don't even know what my rate is (I have to look that up, really!), but any money we have coming in right now counts. Michael found part-time work with an electrician locally, so the hot dog cart is in a limbo status right now except for weekends. We're counting every penny, and praying that our health benefits are still in effect. I don't know how much longer we can count on that, though, and we can't afford the healthcare through COBRA.
I think I'm finished venting now. Dinner is in the crock pot, and I need to start attacking the laundry and making a grocery list. My therapy appointment is at 2:45. I should be good and Ativaned-out by then, and unable to verbalize anything important. Because that's how I roll.
