Waiting

I am three weeks into serving the six week sentence I have been given to wear this horrible leg cast. I spent the first two weeks backsliding into depression, and some days, still, I have a hard time pulling myself up onto to my one good foot to greet the day with enthusiasm. I can't wait until September 21st, when, hopefully, the stupid thing comes off. God forbid the heel isn't better by then. I can't stand being sedentary. Pun intended.

I have six more days of being a "manager" before I step back down to "normal" status at Linvilla. I am looking forward to this demotion even more than ever before, because this season has been especially stressful for me. The number of phone calls, texts, and e-mails on which I have spent energy this summer is sickening. Add to that the fact that I haven't been able to walk, or drive, or go into work since the beginning of August, and it's no wonder that I have been so frustrated. It's very difficult to manage two pool snackbars from the sofa in my basement!

The dog also continues to be a source of bitterness in the house. She is constantly barking and growling whenever someone enters or exits the house, except for me, of course. The two female cats in the house have been fighting non-stop since we brought Rory home in July. And Clara can't stand having the kitten in her room, because he isn't yet litter trained, and he is into everything. So even though I am stuck here at home, it isn't like I'm getting any peaceful rest. It is unnerving, and I am anxious most of the time.

School starts next week. That means PTL meetings, singing lessons, conferences, back to school nights, and a plethora of other engagements that I may or may not be able to attend because I have to rely on someone else to drive me everywhere.

So the bottom line for me today is that I'm tired, and unmotivated, because I feel rather useless. I am waiting.

Monday, Monday, Can't Trust That Day

I have been feeling so much stress lately. Sleep is my best friend these days, when I can get it. I have resorted to taking Benadryl at bedtime just so I can sleep through the night. Can you become addicted to Benadryl? hmmm...

My parents have been away for weeks, since Father's Day, and I miss my mom. (Dad, too, but I usually talk to mom every day.) Mom called yesterday to say that they had crossed the Canadian border into Maine, so she has phone service again. She said they might be home as early as Tuesday, but they were taking their time. At least I can talk to her on the phone again.

My foot has been getting progressively worse, because I don't stay off of it at all. What may have started as a slight stress fracture is, I'm sure, a more serious stress fracture now. I still don't know how I injured it; could be from jumping off the stage at Bunnyland, could be just from tap dancing. I don't know. I just know that it's been a nagging ache since April, and now it just plain hurts. The crutches have been no help at all because we live in a split level house, I work at two very "hilly" swim clubs, and getting in and out of the car with them is a hassle. So I limp instead. I go to the doctor again today to find out the results of the MRI. I don't know what it could possibly have picked up that the bone scan didn't already miss...because the bone scan showed nothing. This is so frustrating. The painkillers the dr. prescribed don't work very well, so I rely on aspirin. But that doesn't help my disposition.

My job has been a constant source of frustration for me since May. What should have been a pretty simple management position has turned into a scheduling nightmare. I find that I am always on call, day or night, because employees are e-mailing me, facebooking me, or calling/texting my phone with their requests for time off. I have started leaving my phone off, or letting the battery die, just so I can get some peace. A lot of these kids want to get paid without doing anything. It's so hard for me to be a "mean" manager, but I stood there yesterday and watched one of my employees working on arts and crafts while she stood behind the counter, while there were customers waiting. I'm guessing that next week she'll be wondering why she doesn't have more hours. They don't understand that, even though it may just be a little pool snack bar, it is still a customer-service oriented job.

This Friday is Adult Caribbean Night at Hidden Hollow. I had the menu all figured out: Hawiaan Chicken with a sweet and sour glaze, rice, roasted vegetables, tortilla chips, fruit...and then Sue decided that she wanted finger foods instead. So it's Monday, and I have four days to come up with a new menu. Joy.

And Saturday, Michael has invited his whole family over for the day to swim and have dinner to celebrate his sister Kathy's birthday. Of course, I won't be here, I have to work, because 11 people have requested off that day. And the house looks like it always looks: a complete disaster.

Add to this the stray cat we took in last week, the insane dog that won't stop barking at everybody, the teenage daughter who just broke her cell phone and is mourning the death of her favorite pet rat, the teenage son who wants to get a job but still sleeps til noon, and a husband who has been laid off since November of last year...and it isn't hard to figure out why my back and neck are in knots, and my stomach is upset all the time. Summer vacation. Right.

What's the worst thing to me, though, is that I feel like all I do is complain. I hate that. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the laid back, everything rolls off my shoulders person, who can just laugh at the adversity and walk away smiling. I think that's what a teenager is: no cares, no responsibilities, no worries. But I'm not a teenager anymore. I want to fix everything, and I set my expectations so high that I constantly get disappointed. Even though I try to delegate, I still end up doing so much more than I should. I wonder sometimes if in trying to make everything go smoothly at work that I have taken on too much, and that has resulted in all this pain. I just keep hurting myself. Not just physically, either.

I can't wait until Labor Day. I need to refresh. I have been neglecting my family, and my house, and my puppy dog, and that makes me feel rotten, too. So here I am, at the beginning of another week, contemplating the mess before me. I need some aspirin. And coffee. d.

i hate tuesdays

I hate it when people make me feel stupid. And I really hate it when I allow it to upset me. It isn't bad enough that my own teenage daughter treats me like I'm an idiot (she's sooooo much smarter than I am), but when co-workers and acquaintances start talking down to me and addressing me like I'm too dense to catch on, it really pisses me off. And it's hard to believe that I can still get my feelings hurt when someone makes an off-hand remark that cuts me down. My mom has been telling me for 46 years to grow thicker skin. Isn't it something that the people to whom I am devoted are the ones who can cut the deepest, and the quickest? I'm just embarrassed. And hurt. Must be Tuesday.

And So It Begins....

Well, today the snack bar officially opened at Hidden Hollow Swim Club. I now have responsibility over the pool snack bars at Hollow, and also at Knowlton Swim Club. I schedule 22 people to cover the shifts on both the snack bars all summer.

Day 1: I finished all of the shopping this morning by 9:30, picked up Drew, and made it to work around 10. Walked into the snack bar and discovered that the red juice from the slushie machine had leaked out of the container and was all over the table, the towels, the floor, and two paper towel rolls. Started to clean that up and decided we needed to get the cheese melting pot from the market plugged in because we opened in less than an hour. So Drew and I drove over to the market. We rounded up all of the items we needed from the snack bar near the market and drove it back to Hidden Hollow.

Except for register tape. Jess and Brittany were already in and had turned on the fryers, the grill, the pizza oven, etc. The pool was scheduled to open at 11:00, which it did. However, not grabbing the register tape was costly, because by the time we got situated and I got register tape, it was already 11:40. Not good, but not tragic. We got up and running...and then one of the breakers popped. Drew reset it, all was good; and then it popped again. I started moving plugs around, and didn't realize that even though I moved them, they were still on the same breaker, so it popped again. Freezer, heat lamp #2, the hot dogger, the cheese pot, the hot plate -- all out. I finally called Steve in to help. He showed up, we moved some plugs around (extension cord!) and all was fine...and then heat lamp #1 went out. We reset the CGI, it went out again. And again. After the third time, Drew went to find Steve. Turns out the heat lamp is bad. I asked for permission to throw it out, and Steve said yes! Hooray! Then I asked if I could buy a new one and he said yes again! (But he did ask that I clear it through Susie first.)

So now my electric is all going well, Drew, Brittany Mc., Jess, and I are running around handling all the customers, and we got SLAMMED. I kept thinking I had scheduled an extra person to come in at 12, but my fifth person was actually Kate, who I didn't realize until yesterday couldn't come in until 3:00. By the time she arrived at 3:15, we were on our 4th rush of the afternoon.

We ran out of change at one point, and Fred offered to go to the office to get it for me. But first he stopped in the pool office and grabbed some change from his drawer, plus he had change in his pocket, so he changed one of the twenties, and then he brought us change from the market office, so he needed a twenty from our drawer to cover what he took from his pocket...long and short, I have no idea how the drawer is going to come out!

We finally slowed down at about 3:45. Brittany clocked out and went home to grab a towel and her Kings of Leon CD. She came back a little while later. Jess asked if she could leave at 5:00, which wasn't a problem. Brittany mentioned that she didn't think we needed 4 people to close, so I told her she could clock out at 5:30; she wanted to go swimming. We never turned off the grills until 6:30. We were behind in cleaning up, so even though Drew, Kate, and I worked non-stop from one thing to the next, it was still 7:15 or so by the time we finished. We were the last ones out of the facility! When I looked at the receipts from the day, I realized why were all so tired! Kate left, and then Drew decided to take quick swim, so I figured, what the heck, why not. So he did.

About that time my cell phone rang. It was Michael, and when I told him that I was waiting for Drew because he was swimming, the response was, "well, if you want to swim you should do it there." Huh? It turns out that Jake and his friend Zack, who had stayed overnight Friday night, were swimming in our pool. And it collapsed. Jake ended up under a bush by the shed, and Zack hit the shed door. The water rushed toward the house and ended up flooding the laundry room, and then spread into the family room in the basement. By the time I got home, the kids and Michael had already emptied the entire laundry room out onto a tarp on the lawn to start drying.

So Day 1 is done; snack bar is ready to go in the morning, staffing is set (plus one, because Drew is coming in to help, also), there isn't a thing I can do about our pool, but I need to start going through all the stuff on the back lawn asap. Jake is sleeping overnight at Sonny's, Clara is at Yosmar's practicing for the Black & White concert, Michael is switching back and forth between watching the Pittsburgh Penguins finish off the Carolina Hurricanes in Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Division (gggrrrrr, hisssss, booooo) and Lake Placid, (one of the funniest "horror" movies ever made!), and I'm ready to fall asleep. But I'm pretty sure I'll stay awake long enough for a glass of amaretto and some snuggling with my puppy dog! Can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring!

Post Easter, Pre-Memorial Day

Wow, it's been forever since I posted anything here, and so much is going on right now. This is a wildly busy time of year in our household; Jake is finishing his first year of high school at Sun Valley, and awaiting promotion at the Marine Jr. ROTC program on May 29th; Clara is dancing with some friends in the Northley Talent Show on Wednesday, going to Washington, D.C. on Thursday, and performing in Giselle as well as a tap and a jazz dance in the recital on June 21st; Michael is doing lots of side work while he waits for Local 654 to dig up more electrical work, and in the meantime is working on an investment business; and I am working two jobs at the moment.

I am finishing up at the dance studio, where I am assisting with three classes, teaching one, and taking one, and I am trying to put together props and accessories for my dancers. I just finished up at my Old Union Nursery School dance class last Friday; six students performed for their families and Michael. (It was the first time Michael has ever seen me teach a dance class, so it was quite a treat for me to have him there, too.) Recital is on Father's Day weekend, which means I will be in rehearsals every Saturday (somehow) between now and then, and then in dress rehearsals and recitals from June 19th until the 21st. It makes for a very long couple of weeks.

In addition to that, I am managing both Hidden Hollow and Knowlton Pools' Snack Bars. That means I have been interviewing, hiring, scheduling and training employees; cleaning and prepping the snack bars for opening day; stocking and ordering food; making sure that we have electric (that works) and refrigeration all around, all while making sure that my boss remembers when all of the Orchard festival days are so that we can enlist additional staff to take care of the snack bar at Linvilla Orchards. Today I took a class to become certified in the Pennsylvania Safe-Serve program for food management. Hopefully, I passed the test. (I'm pretty sure I did...)

I spent last weekend acting as chaperone for a bunch of great teenagers at the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life event at Penncrest High School. It was a long, sleepless night, but we all had a lot of fun, and I would be willing to bet that I end up there again next year. :)

Clara still spends lots of time yelling at me for spending too much time on the computer, which is probably true; but I have been in touch with lots of long-lost friends via facebook, and it's kind of fun slacking off by playing on the internet. Of course, the house is a mess, and I haven't finished a book in weeks, but, well, I'm having fun. Wasting time. But having fun.

So the rest of this week I will be helping with Talent Show, finishing 25 pink rose barrettes (right after I find that damn glue gun), also putting together 20 scarlet ribbon wands, and getting my pool schedules together. And then it will be the weekend. And by Friday, I will have weird dreams and panic attacks. I'm so happy.

Lumps and Bumps

Well, it's officially Lump Day today. I am dropping off Princess, the puppy, at one vet to be spayed, and then taking Sweet Pea, the rat, to a different vet to have a tumor removed. Then I'm off to Riddle Hospital for a mammogram. Which is coincidentally very convenient, since my mom drove my dad back to Riddle in the middle of the night last night. He had started throwing up last night, and when my mom went to check on him, she noticed a "soccer ball sized lump" in his abdomen. My mom is big on checking the internet for every health issue, so she immediately diagnosed it herself as a hernia. She and my dad have been vacationing in the Poconos all week; no matter, she took her pocketbook, her laptop, and my dad and drove back to Media. They arrived at Riddle Hospital by 2:00 a.m.; he was admitted by 3:15. He is to be operated on sometime today, so I guess I'll be hanging at the hospital today. Good times! He's probably more aggravated about missing NCAA action than anything else. He's a damn ornery 76 year old. So hopefully all the prayers will lift him up and keep the doctor's hands steady. Happy lump day.

Cold Winter Tears

Today is the last day of winter. It is cold and rainy, a perfect goodbye to this long and painful winter. I am looking foward to the glorious spring not only to renew my spirit in the warm and vital sunshine, but also to repair some of the regretful damage that was caused during the dark winter season. I am 46. I am not 17. Sometimes I forget that. My children are my children. They are not my friends. Sometimes I forget that, too.

On days like this, when I am alone in the house and have too much time on my hands, it's easy to become self-centered and wallow in the pools of self-pity. My weight, my aging skin, my ripped-up winter-torn hands, all reminders that even I am moving into another season. (And I'm having a bad hair day on top of everything.)

I am so tired. I'm tired of Jake and Clara Joy fighting with each other. Tired of playing referee between Michael and the kids. Tired of volunteering my time for projects knowing I am completely unappreciated. (Not that I want recognition for that...it would just be nice to hear a "thanks, I'm really glad you're here" once in awhile. Hell, I'd like to hear that in my own house.) Tired of scolding the puppy...tired of missing Duchess, the most perfect dog in the world. Tired of bursting into tears at any given moment, for no apparent reason.

My life is a pattern of good intentions and disappointments. I have all these wonderful ideas of great things I want to do (a huge party for Clara's birthday, a wonderful 20th anniversary present for Michael, an end-of-year sleepover party for Jake), but when push comes to shove, nothing happens. I'm either too lazy, or over-committed, or just plain freaked out by the thought and planning that has to go into everything. And then, of course, there's always the money issues. I know I am capable of doing all of these things, and I know how to budget for them. But for some reason, I just freeze. This is one of the reasons I think I may be going to hell...they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I am right there. And I feel like a failure. (There. I said it.) I could accomplish so many things if I would just get off my ass and do them. I really need to get over myself.

So on this dreary, depressing last day of winter, I am hoping that the arrival of Ostara will renew not only the external world, but also my internal world. It's time for me to grow up and be responsible. And that scares the hell out of me. Maybe that's why I cry.

Hitting the Fan

After all this time trying to find a place to post my thoughts in infinite space, Maryjean finally pointed out the obvious to me on her facebook page by posting a link to her blog. Thanks, Maryjean! Even though it's Friday, I am having a hard time getting it together today. The dog is driving me insane...she just shredded about three magazines into confetti. The dishes in the sink have been piled up there for two days and Michael just gave me the "why do the kids get allowance" speech. The shower leaked in the upstairs bathroom this morning and there's water everywhere. The laundry is spilling out of the laundry chute and onto the floor of the laundry room. Pam called and asked me to cover four (four!) preschool dance classes at the YMCA on Saturday from 10:00 to 2:00, and then I'm helping Miss Debbie at the studio with daddy/daughter rehearsal from 3:00 to 5:00; on Sunday I'm going to be in a Safe Serve class at the bartending school from 10:00 until 4:00. Some weekend, huh? I wonder if this is the reason I feel another migraine coming on? I don't have time for it right now...I need to prepare for my 1:00 dance class at Old Union. It just keeps coming. Oh yeah. And I found out last night that some of my not-so-admirable behavior was reported to someone who should not be told. Worried? You bet your ass I am.

later that same day...

Soooo...my dance class at Old Union is over, and went remarkably well, considering how young the students are and how short of an attention span they possess...dishes are loaded in the dishwasher, laundry is sorted and ready to roll, St. Patrick's Day decorations are up, and I just got a call that I don't have to teach at the Y tomorrow, so maybe I can relax a lttle bit this evening....haha! Still haven't been able to clear up the indiscretionary comment problem, but hopefully it will evaporate. Grrrrrr.