Cold Winter Tears

Today is the last day of winter. It is cold and rainy, a perfect goodbye to this long and painful winter. I am looking foward to the glorious spring not only to renew my spirit in the warm and vital sunshine, but also to repair some of the regretful damage that was caused during the dark winter season. I am 46. I am not 17. Sometimes I forget that. My children are my children. They are not my friends. Sometimes I forget that, too.

On days like this, when I am alone in the house and have too much time on my hands, it's easy to become self-centered and wallow in the pools of self-pity. My weight, my aging skin, my ripped-up winter-torn hands, all reminders that even I am moving into another season. (And I'm having a bad hair day on top of everything.)

I am so tired. I'm tired of Jake and Clara Joy fighting with each other. Tired of playing referee between Michael and the kids. Tired of volunteering my time for projects knowing I am completely unappreciated. (Not that I want recognition for that...it would just be nice to hear a "thanks, I'm really glad you're here" once in awhile. Hell, I'd like to hear that in my own house.) Tired of scolding the puppy...tired of missing Duchess, the most perfect dog in the world. Tired of bursting into tears at any given moment, for no apparent reason.

My life is a pattern of good intentions and disappointments. I have all these wonderful ideas of great things I want to do (a huge party for Clara's birthday, a wonderful 20th anniversary present for Michael, an end-of-year sleepover party for Jake), but when push comes to shove, nothing happens. I'm either too lazy, or over-committed, or just plain freaked out by the thought and planning that has to go into everything. And then, of course, there's always the money issues. I know I am capable of doing all of these things, and I know how to budget for them. But for some reason, I just freeze. This is one of the reasons I think I may be going to hell...they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I am right there. And I feel like a failure. (There. I said it.) I could accomplish so many things if I would just get off my ass and do them. I really need to get over myself.

So on this dreary, depressing last day of winter, I am hoping that the arrival of Ostara will renew not only the external world, but also my internal world. It's time for me to grow up and be responsible. And that scares the hell out of me. Maybe that's why I cry.